I want God, not my idea of God.
Truth. Before my actual experience with God, I already thought I had a connection to god. It was impersonal, far away, distant, abstract, unfathomable… I would say god is pleasure, emotions, wind, trees, eyes, flowers, my own self and whatever self expression I felt like that day. It was a constantly changing and elusive idea of god. “A truth” that changes according to my needs. It was a god that accepted my lifestyle of sin and made me feel good to believe in.
I used the words; divine, universe, higher self because it was more palatable than a God that holds you accountable for your selfish desires and actions. I would pray to the ‘universe to provide’ and may I attract and call in abundance from the universe. It was me calling it in from the “universe”, tirelessly self-willing some sort of meaning and purpose in my life … “I think this is my path” according to the world’s validation of me rather than what God intended.
I felt comfortable being agnostic in that I knew there was something divine out there but it was impossible to know. I was uncommitted and had no strong foundational values, “just love”… but love without truth is false love. I’m telling you now, He can be known and it’s the truest relationship than an imagined “what if” kind of god.
When He came for me, He showed me His strong yet gentle Fatherly love and conviction. He imbued in me clarity and Truth. I couldn’t have made Him up that’s for sure and I was rather silly to have thought He was a goddess, a feminist god, because there were obviously wrong examples of patriarchy in my life and in the world.
He helped me to forgive all the men in my life, including my own father, and showed me what healthy patriarchy is; love, protection, truth, justice, provision and promises. He is a God that is true and actions what He says. For God so loved the world, He sent His only begotten Son to redeem us and in His Presence, I surrendered and became a woman of God.