My Journey with God
Updated: Feb 2
If I can type out all the blessings that God has given in my walk with Him this year, my fingers would drop off from listing them all.
Never have I felt safe, so certain, held, supported, protected, loved and deeply grateful in my entire being. His miracles just keep on giving! Sometimes I don't understand His bigger plan but I keep on trusting on Him with unwavering faith and He sees me through to an expected end.
The praises sing out from my heart and to all the people I have met this year. What an incredible transformation and redemption of God's merciful grace. I deeply repent for my actions I have done against God before knowing Him. I hope you can see this as a testimony on how He can save anyone, almost overnight. How He can wash a sinner like me, stained with deep scarlet and has renewed me as white as snow. I didn't realise I needed saving as I didn't understand what I was doing was wrong, I didn't have His laws in my heart and I didn't know I was living a half-hearted unfulfilled life even though it appeared "exciting" and "full". It was when I tasted His truth, righteousness and purity, I saw what was not of Him.
In Jan-February this year, I was living aimlessly in Melbourne. Just came out of a year of anxiety, uncertainity and lockdowns, in a co-dependent back and forth relationship and constant heartache. I was dabbling in mediumship, feeling lost and receiving "spiritual readings" each week. I didn't realise I was in a coven worshipping the red dragon (satan) in ceremonial work but it was all "love and light", spirit guides and altar magick. I mentored with a person who was highly praised as a "teacher with the highest integrity". People would pay thousands to work with her, she was basically a high witch. She instilled enchanting magick and was able to "skillfully" commune with plant spirits and animal guides. We would look at other people as performing "dark magick" but no, not us. It was the greatest trick the enemy had played to believe we were helping in the healing of the world, beautiful kindhearted souls unwillingly knowing that they were selling their souls to the devil. Every "cacao/plant/deity" ceremony performed, we made a covenant with literally satan himself. I never second guessed her as she was respected, looked up to, admired, funny, "caring", knowledgable and charismatic in the community. I had an amulet made spell-casted with my DNA. I wore it for protection but I never felt protected. Every hour I would close down my energy field as I was highly "empathetic" and sensitive, I could never be in crowded spaces. I met up weekly for several hours in mediumship circles in a darkened room. Channeled the circle guardian and “deceased loved ones”, fine-tuning and sharpening our "clairs".
Each week I would have shamanic clearings, readings, acupuncture sessions, remedial massages and chiropractor sessions. I had the expenses to pay for it from my tantric business where I trained a team of "goddesses" to help them manifest financial abundance and offer "healing" sessions. I also had chronic shoulder pain and several food intolerances. I was overworked, anxious and stressed out. I distracted myself with food, pleasures and netflix.
During this time I got curious about God... but I couldn't say the word God. I was deeply triggered. Every part of my being contracted and I felt repelled just by saying the word God. I really wanted to accept that there was a God but I couldn't accept it in my body. It was really tangible the rejection, I would choke on the word "God". I would say "universe", "source", "consciousness" "higher self" instead, skittering around the word God… anything else that is vague/generalised and really not known, was way more comfortable than acknowledging God.
Then Melbourne went into a snap lockdown for 5 days mid Feb. I didn't realise the trauma I had experienced from being in prolonged lockdowns last year. I couldn't take it anymore. I put everything in storage, got rid of my apartment in a few days and drove north 18 hours through 2 states. I needed to get out, I didn't want my business anymore, I wanted to leave it all behind. I arrived and did a "shamanic womb healing" course, deepening my intuitive wisdom and feminine embodiment, helping women heal their trauma and "reclaim their bodies". My spiritual healing toolkit just started getting longer and longer. I would spend 2-3+ hours a day on meditative, spiritual, energy management and movement practices. It was never-ending...
It all changed on 28th February 2021. I was pulled out of darkness. I moved to Mullumbimby, Byron Bay, the hippie capital of Australia. Upon arriving, everything was shimmering, the leaves glowed and it felt I was being welcomed driving into this town. I went to an ecstatic dance party, people appeared "spiritual" and colourful but the space was void of genuine connection and love. People were closing their eyes "processing" their "stuff" on the dance floor and "liberating" themselves. I was bored honestly from attending these many events before. I then got suddenly heavy and tired, laid on the grass and drifted. I received a command to "Go towards the light” seemingly out of nowhere. I was like “what?! Have I always been in the light?”. Didn't I help people "heal" and have I always done my best? Didn't I have well meaning intentions and had I always dished out love and acceptance whenever and to whomever. It was the first time in my life where I questioned... maybe I wasn't in the light?
I ignored it and disregarded it as just my "imagination"... then a few hours later I ended up at a gathering... and a bible falls into my hands. I have never opened the bible in my entire life. It opened to a page and in bold it said "Walk towards the Light", Book of John. I was like "this bible is literally talking to me... wait is it really?" and it was like His Word had sensed my doubt and in response it fell a few pages back and landed on another page, and it clearly stated, "The True Light" - in Christ Jesus. I was floored and dismayed. I told the woman what had happened earlier and she gave me her own beloved bible.
So I was like "great… now what do I do with this book?" I had so many preconceived judgements and critcisms of a book that I hadn’t read. How can I critique and harbour ill feelings towards a book I’ve never opened. However it was the very thing that set me free. She prayed over me and my heart softened and I cried sweet tears. I was deeply touched and did not know why. I reluctantly took this bible home and moved into a new home that same day, there was a housing shortage and ppl would take 3+ months to find a place and yet I was blessed with a place to stay before arriving. This was only day one in this new town.
Then several consequential events happened, God will send you the right people in the most appointed time to help you to come to know His Grace. I cried, I grieved, I made space for Him in my heart and He made Himself known to me that He was the "Great Father". It completely surprised me as a "mother earth", "goddess", "mother of creation" worshipper. I never knew God was a Father, I had no biblical knowledge but there was no denying His presence is Fatherly, you just know He is God.
I kept it to myself for a few days/weeks. I just wanted to be intimate with God. I didn't need anyone but Him. He was the connection I had always longed for and I never wanted to be apart from Him. We were created to be loved by Him and to know Him. It was like He knew and loved every single cell of me. God is truly love.
I fell in love with His word and as I read it, I could feel it sanctifying my mind. I realised it is The Truth. I didn't tell friends what had happened until I knew it was for sure it was Him. After several weeks, I realised I was hiding the biggest love of my life. I excitedly declared to friends "so... I have been hanging out with God" haha. One called me that she was concerned that I was reading the bible. I felt her fear and worry and I understood it was from her own religious wounded upbringing. However you cannot discount the joy, love, peace and clarity you feel in knowing Him. It is not a religion, it is truly a relationship, Christ lives in you. You receive the Holy Spirit and truly you are born again.
I also realised who my mentors were, people I have worked with for 4 or so years and I received a lot backlash from the spiritual community. I found out who the red dragon was in Revelations chapter 12 and I realised I was making offerings to satan and I denounced all my practices. Of course the practices didn't seem "satantic" but if it teaches another power other than God that is through Jesus Christ, it is a false peace, love and light and it won't last. I got spiritually attacked but there is power in prayer, I won battles with Jesus Christ by my side, there is power in His name. I am protected by the blood of the lamb and greater is He that is in me than that is in the world. I even got attacked by a bird when I threw my amulet into the ocean. Spell-casting is very real and there are powers you cannot imagine and what they can actually control.
"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." Ephesians 6:12
I haven't spoken openly about this as I was afraid initially of speaking out. We were sworn to secrecy so I literally had blocks in trying to share this. This stuff is very much real and I really wish I could make this stuff up. But sadly, so many people are still deceived and just love the idea and feeling of false "spiritual power" from what these demonic forces give, posing as "spirit allies". It will play on your "spiritual pride" and it gives you false experiences of liberation and healing.
However God's love is true and everlasting. It's been almost 8 months and I am still lovingly with God. He is faithful. He has protected me, provided for me and has shown me that I can trust in Him. He has healed my chronic pain and food intolerances. I haven't had any treatment to alleviate the pain and it has completely disappeared. He has healed the ache I had in my heart and now it is filled with His love. I still do experience pain however it is more the pain when people deny Him. It's like I feel His grief when people reject Him. It hurts and it is sorrowful to see people who believe they do not need to accept God's love and just feel like Jesus is for people who are weak. Truth is, we all need Him, more than we can possibly understand. You will wonder how could you have ever lived a life without Him.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you” Jeremiah 1:4
He knows you; every hair, every thought, every feeling. He knitted you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made"
“But even the hairs of your head are all numbered.” Matthew 10:30
“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well.” Psalm 139:14
What is also revelational and amazing is the profound feeling of eternal security. My soul feels so secure and I have this sense of assurance. I know there is no reincarnated afterlife and its like I know where I am going to go when I die. This is what security feels like and I believe it is the antidote to insecurity, which is really the dire need to preserve one's life from death and uncertainty. Whatever happens in the world, I know God is with me. You cannot take away the bond you have with Him.
In late June, He has taken me out of Australia and provided a plane ticket out. I left with a sense of urgency and then soon after the country went into lockdown. I couldn't return to NZ as there were no quarantine allotments for the rest of the year. I was in limbo between countries and in transit. I almost ended up in Kenya but the visa didn't come through in time! But I trusted in God and He kept His promise. I don't really have any income but He has taken me to Mexico twice, Greece, Spain, Portugal and Scotland in just 3 months. I have never eaten so well with the freshest food straight from the land, slept in the most beautiful places; camped on a Grecian island (Patmos!), bathed in waterfalls, lived in the Scottish highlands, made new friends and shared the gospel wherever I went... I travelled with barely no money! If I had money, I would have never been able to afford the places I have stayed. If He wants to move you, He will make it happen. He is the God that parts seas. And now I have the sweetest home in London with my family in Christ. I am safe, I am loved and I am provided. My life is all for God and there is nothing I would rather spend each breath on. He is the reason why we breathe.
Pray and seek Him. He is literally our only way out of this fallen world. Don't seek and store your treasures here on earth, seek it in God. He provides all things. Through faith alone in whom, Christ Jesus was a loving sacrifice to redeem us from our fallen nature and was sent to bring us into newness to know our beloved Father. It is the sweetest salvation.
"Jesus answered and said to him, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” John 3:3
There are way too many miracles of His blessings in my short time I have had with God, it is abundant each and everyday. God is most definitely real and He is so, so good. Even in darkness, there is Light.
“That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.” John 1:9