God saved me from the works of darkness earlier this year. I thought I was “helping the collective”, “transmuting darkness”, “transforming souls”, helping men and women “free their sexuality”, follow their bliss and pleasure, manifest your deserved and “you are worthy” abundance and helping people heal from their shame and guilt. Coined terms you will commonly hear; “Liberate yourself!”, “lead an authentic life”, “parent yourself”, “self love yourself”, “live your truth”, “free your shadows”, “embody your soul”, “express your rage”… it’s so easy to write things that tickle our ears. I wouldn’t even think about it and just sit down to create a workshop or session to help you embody “your truth”. We all want freedom, purpose and more joy so this could be a probable answer to all your problems (and the world’s) and at least the intention is from the heart right? It is temporal bliss and relief until the next workshop, course and session and then you’re hooked on “healing” but hey at least it’s positive and you will feel you are progressing but there will be always more to work on… inner child healing, generational healing, your masculine and feminine, aspects of yourself, sexuality, sisterhood healing, your relationship with your mother and father etc, past life healing, healing your oppressed shadows… it’s endless!
“For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions” 2 Timothy 4:3
In fact now that I look at it, I was offering coping mechanisms to be ok with sin, to just forgive ourselves and accept it and move on. And if you continue to feel bad, just love yourself more until it is a forged illusion of love. It felt empty really with all this self talk and owning your “authenticity”, when I didn’t know what was truly authentic in me.
I spent years trying to love myself through all my trauma, shame and guilt but I was gathering scraps of love and creating an idea of love out of my wounded parts to love myself as much as I can and others around me. And if life falls apart, just love yourself more!
But how do you give yourself love, when you didn’t grow up to know of love? I went through deep neglect as a child. Both my parents were in prison, dad went 3 times, I was in foster care, my younger brother had cancer and when a sibling is ill, your needs and cares are not as important to a sibling that is terminal. I didn’t feel worthy of love and had no emotional support, and I found myself in co-dependent unhealthy relationships to receive any kind of love.
It wasn’t until I experienced the agape love of our Heavenly Father’s, I realised how measly my self love was. It is small, minuscule, nothing in comparison to the glory of God’s love. It didn’t require effort to feel Love, I didn’t have to sign up for a programme or practice in the mirror loving myself with affirmations and speaking to parts of my being. It was so easy and so simple, His Truth and His love. And it was freely given, I didn’t have to earn this love.
It was an in-filling of His love. His Presence. His Spirit. When I looked in the mirror, it wasn’t me trying to love myself but Him unconditionally loving me back. I could see His light in my eyes and Him staring at me with fatherly adoration. I saw it and I deeply felt it and knew it in my being. His love is truly a remedy to all our flaws, doubts and insecurities.
He’s like “silly child, don’t you know how much I have always loved you!”. I felt like I was this stubborn child not believing His love was even there and that He would even love me. I didn’t really have a concept who God was but there was no denying, it was God, Himself, His Presence! I kept it to myself for several weeks until I was sure it was Him. How could we have a relationship with Him and be so very near to God! For He has gifted us salvation through faith alone. The greatest reconciliation we are to ever live for
“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.” Ephesians 2:13
“For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children.” Romans 8:14-16
2/10/21
