I have been pondering how I should write another post and I prayed after breakfast for a sign if I should. I looked up at my honey jar and it said “Beelieve” . How sweet is God . So I put my own concerns aside and I dare to write...
To start, I will open with this
“And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26
This scripture best describes how I feel now. My heart is born anew. I wake up each morning with a nourished and full heart and I ask myself “How close I am to God”. Some days I am nearer and some days I feel a bit further. He sits in my heart like a barometer, letting me know when I am not living His word. Integrity . I know it may be triggering to refer God as a He. However this is how I relate to Him, as my Holy Father.
Just a month ago, in a public mentoring session with a mentor, I asked her “Why can’t I say the word God?” as my body clenched and contracted at the wrongness it felt in my body, even though I believed there was an universal energy described as God. She mentioned it was a block. I now know it was my wounding towards my own father. I never wanted to acknowledge that I needed a father, I thought I could do life independently, hold it together all on my own. There were many subsequent and serendipitous events that finally lead me to acknowledging that I needed a father. But first I had to grieve for not having one and in turn longed for a father. In those moments of tears, grief, sadness and longing, my heart finally softened and opened in a loving prayer. I suddenly realised I was His Beloved Daughter and that I have a father, the Great Father. It was a much longed for homecoming .
From then on, I no longer felt like an orphaned child. No matter how much inner child work I have done over the years, I could not console my little one. I have been left hurt and broken, after surrendering all of me in my relationships, hoping to fill this longing. They were not the true belonging I have hoped for.
Today I stand, feeling supported. I no longer feel anxious as I once was. The longing and the ache I’ve always had in my heart, are replaced with a new full, purposeful heart. I am lovingly grateful towards my own father as in his absence I found God. Never have I known such Peace and Grace in my heart.
Because of His sweetness, His fullness, His embedded trust and felt holding, I can now soften in my sensitivity and in my femininity. I have reclaimed my innocence. I can be an open-hearted woman with clear boundaries. As I know what I am is sacred and Holy, because God loves me so.
I now know my worth and that my body is precious and I am able to let go of unhealthy relationships who I thought were my only support. I have more trust, courage and faith than I have ever had before.
This journey was sudden and radical, it completely surprised me. I had to face my own judgements and let go of things that were no longer true. In the end, are you willing to let all that you have built and created go, when it is all revealed. I can attest life is lighter when it is much simpler .
As I continue to see clearly, I have left my so called ‘spiritual’ practices, groups, years and years of training and tens of thousands of dollars spent on expensive courses. It was ultimately not in service to God. It was from striving, feeling I needed to be fixed, wanting to belong, lack, disconnection, pain, being misguided, self serving behaviours and just utter confusion . I am cleaning up my integrity and understand why I had to have these experiences. The veil is thick with mistruths, distortions and tempting diversions. I will share more when I’m ready .
If you are going through something similiar, please reach out for support. The unraveling process can be confusing when done alone. I am here to walk alongside you and so many others are too.
Thank you God for gracing me with your Presence and may I continue to be a vessel of your Word